Introduction
This is the word of the Lord,
Colossians 3:12-17 ESV
12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Let us pray.
This morning we come to the third of four sermons that will conclude our series on The Intentional Church—or as I’ve recently called it, The Faithful Church. In the earlier messages, we’ve laid the theological foundation: What is the church? What does she do? What does God call her to be? We’ve looked at doctrine, and we’ve looked at design. Now we turn our attention to the everyday details—the daily lived reality of the Christian life inside the local church.
The local church is a family of families. You cannot build a faithful church out of unfaithful men. You cannot have a faithful communion of saints if the marriages in the church are hollow and the parenting of their children is outsourced. A church is only as healthy as the households that compose it, and those households are only as strong as the people who live in them daily.
God is not impressed by our theological accuracy if that truth doesn’t transform how we treat each other. He is not flattered by our reformed liturgies if our homes are war zones. You can sing psalms, memorize catechisms, and wear your best dress on Sunday – but if you have to put on a fake smile to hide your frustration, hide the rage as it builds up against your spouse, ignore your kids, or nurse bitterness in your heart – instead of the crown of righteousness, what awaits you will be the Oscar award. But the God who sees in secret is not fooled by your WhatsApp stories or your Instagram reels. He sees the basement. He sees the bitterness. He sees what you scroll when no one’s looking.
This is why we need to talk about practical Christian living—not because theology is unimportant, but because good theology always ends with a changed diaper, a patient reply, a forgiven sin, and a family gathered around the Word. Because Satan doesn’t care if your church has sound doctrine—as long as your living room is filled with cold shoulders and forgotten apologies.
Last week, I said about marriage, that true spirituality is when you wives wake up earlier than your family to prepare the meals and tend to their needs. It is in the joy of turning on the washing machine, standing next to the heat of the stove as you boil the milk, lay the table, cut the vegetables, sweep the living room, wash the dishes and wipe down the counter. True spirituality is when you husbands rise in the morning to die. Dying to your pride when no one thanks you. Dying to your fatigue when your family needs more. Dying to your flesh when your eyes want to wander. Dying to your selfishness when you walk through the door and choose service over slouching.
When Ephesians 5 describes the picture of a godly marriage, the husband is instructed,
Ephesians 5:25 ESV
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
However this manifests in the day-to-day life of a marriage, godly husbanding will feel like dying for the sake of love. Husbands, our ministry is one of dying – yet, what do we complain about most in our marriage? How much we have to sacrifice, how much we have to die. And to wives, it says,
Ephesians 5:24 ESV
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
However this manifests in the day-to-day life of a marriage, godly wives will feel like they’ve given up their bachelorette freedoms to live under the rule of another. Wives, your ministry is one of sacrificing what you want to see happen, in order to help your husbands achieve what he wants to see happen. Yet, what do wives complain about most?
Today, I will begin here and talk yet again about a day in the life of the church.
Love Binds Everything Together
Colossians 3:14 ESV
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Over the past ten years of preaching in this congregation, I’ve had more than a few people go out of their way to tell me—sometimes tearfully, sometimes emphatically—just how deeply they love me. And yet, what’s striking is how many of those same people are no longer part of this church. Even more striking is how many of them, if pressed today, would probably say they can’t stand me. I suppose that love covers a multitude of sins, until it doesn’t.
In the previous verses, Paul lays out a beautiful list of Christian virtues—compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness—(which we looked at last week), and then arrives at love as the final, crowning grace. He writes, “Above all these, put on love“. It’s as if he’s been dressing the Christian in virtue piece after piece, only to place love as the outer garment—the one thing that binds it all together into one harmonious whole (“the bond of perfection”). Paul’s emphasis of love here is not a cherry on top of the cake of Christian virtues. Rather, it is that virtue which unifies and holds all the other Christian virtues in harmony.
Paul does something similar in 1 Corinthians 12-13. There, Paul has just spent an entire chapter unpacking the various spiritual gifts—wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, prophecy, tongues, interpretation—and then transitions into chapter 13, saying
1 Corinthians 12:31 NASB95
…And I show you a still more excellent way.
Again, not as just another gift, but a more excellent way of edifying the church. Love is ‘above all’ other Christian virtues, and ‘the more excellent way’ of edifying the church apart from gifts.
Why? I can give you two reasons.
a. Anything apart from love is useless
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
He gives three examples of profoundly impressive spiritual accomplishments:
- Extraordinary speech: “If I speak in the tongues of men and angels…”
- Extraordinary knowledge and faith: “If I have prophetic powers, understand all mysteries, and have faith to move mountains…”
- Extraordinary sacrifice: “If I give away all I have, and even surrender my body to be burned…”
But all three examples are met with the same verdict: without love, they are useless. “I am a noisy gong… I am nothing… I gain nothing.” If I may now do a comparison between 1 Corinthians and Colossians at this point, I think it is a fair point that one can exercise Christians gifts and virtues apart from love. Paul is saying that spiritual activity apart from love is spiritual bankruptcy.
b. Love binds both virtues and gifts together in perfect harmony
Paul says in Colossians, “love… binds everything together in perfect harmony”. The Greek word for “binds (sýndesmos) is the same word he uses elsewhere to describe ligaments in the human body (cf. Col. 2:19). It’s what makes the body functional.
Now, what is love?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
- Love is patient and kind, bears all things, hopes, endures – Love is the essence or the fountain of all Christian virtue.
- It is not arrogant or rude, does not envy or boast, insist on its own way, and is not irritable or resentful – Love is the defeat of all that is worldly in our relationships.
- Love never ends – In the final resurrection, when we clothed in heaven’s robe stand before the throne of God, love will still be our robe.
Consider Marriage
So, coming back to considering marriage – husbands and wives – if love is what binds everything together in perfect harmony, then marriage is the first place to test that harmony. If love is patient and kind, then let’s see how patient and kind it is when two sinners are sharing a bed, a budget, and reproducing smaller versions of their chaotic selves.
1. Whom does God hold accountable for the overall well-being of a family?
There need to be no confusion here. It is the head of the family. The man. The husband. The father. This is not up-for-grabs. God doesn’t hold the family-member-of-the-month accountable for the family, he holds the man – the head. It is a God-ordained office. It does not come with a vote, nor does it expire when you’re overwhelmed. Whether the man embraces it or abdicates it, whether he is godly or godless, the husband is the head of his wife (Eph. 5:23). And when God comes calling, as He did in Eden, He will ask for the man—”Adam, where are you?” (Gen. 3:9).
Headship is not about posturing or preference, it is baked into the architecture of the family. It is covenantal. It is federal. It is inescapable. Headship is not an award given to the husband by his grateful wife. It is not something that results from negotiations, nor is it a trophy for good behavior. It is a divine assignment. This means that the husband will shape the spiritual atmosphere of the home, whether he intends to or not. His presence defines the climate, and his abdication defines it just as much. If he leads well, the household is blessed. If he leads poorly, the household is still shaped—just badly. The wife and children do not create this dynamic, they live under it. You don’t create gravity by jumping off the roof—you simply prove that it exists when you hit the floor and break your leg. God has ordered the family, and the order is not optional. This is God’s choreography for a household that dances to the music of the gospel.
Now, I trust that most of you are tracking with me so far. At the very least, I hope we’re in agreement that if Scripture teaches that the man is the head of his household, then God will hold that man to account—not in theory, but in truth. But let me press in a little more, considering that the man is responsible over his household.
- Who is responsible for leading the family in prayer and the Word?
You are the priest of your home, and a household without regular prayer and Scripture is a household led by a negligent priest. - Who is responsible for the moral tone, or the language of the home?
If the household is marked by a spiritual coldness, as the head, you are responsible for shaping the climate. If weeds are overtaking the garden, the man with the shovel is to blame. - Who is responsible when the children are unruly or disobedient?1 Timothy 3:4 ESV 4
He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive,Proverbs 29:15 ESV
15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.Even in Paul’s qualifications for eldership, the man’s household is the testing ground for public ministry. If a man cannot shepherd his own children, he is unqualified to shepherd the church. - Who is responsible for the spiritual growth and nurture of the wife?1 Peter 3:7 ESV 7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.1 Corinthians 14:35 ESV 35
If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.According to Scripture, the husband bears the covenantal responsibility to spiritually lead, instruct, and nourish his wife. He is the pastor of his household. If she grows in grace, it is to his credit; if she withers, it is to his shame. Just as Christ takes responsibility for the holiness of His bride, so too must the Christian husband. - Who is responsible for the family’s media, entertainment, and screen time?
If filth is streaming into your home, it’s because the guard at the gate fell asleep. You may not have chosen the film, but you permitted the culture. If your children are discipled more by Disney+ than by Deuteronomy, the problem is not with your children—it’s with you. - Who is responsible for the educational direction of the children?Deuteronomy 6:7 ESV
7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.Ephesians 6:4 ESV
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.This is not your wife’s job by default. Whether you homeschool, private school, or outsource to Christian education, the father is the one God holds accountable. If your child is being taught to despise the fear of the Lord, then you are funding your own undoing.
- Who is responsible for the family culture—where the family dines, whether there is structure, joy, music, rest, and order?Joshua 24:15 ESV
15 And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”Proverbs 11:29 ESV
29 Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise of heart.Whether your house feels like a storm or a sanctuary, you are in charge of the weather.Chaos in the home is not a mystery—it’s mismanagement. Order, routine, and joy are not mere feminine duties. They are masculine responsibilities.
- Who is responsible for what the family wears – the modesty, dress, and social habits of the family?Titus 2:4-5 ESV
4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.Fathers, if your daughters dress like the culture, and your sons speak like the culture, don’t blame the internet. Blame your silence. You are not a mannequin in the home—you are a magistrate. And that includes setting the standards for what is worn and what is allowed. - Who is responsible when the family refuses hospitality, skips church, or lives in isolation?Hebrews 13:2 ESV 2
Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.Romans 12:13 ESV
13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.If your household is disconnected from the body of Christ, it is not because you’re “introverts.” It’s because the head of the home decided that comfort mattered more than covenant. You are responsible for bringing your family into the body—and keeping them there.
Men, there is a difference between fault and responsibility—and if you don’t know the difference, you are not ready to lead a family. The fault may lie with the wife. The fault may lie with the children. But the responsibility lies squarely on your shoulders. Authority flows downstream but responsibility flows upstream. If a team underperforms, why are the captain and coach criticised? Why are managers held accountable if their team doesn’t deliver their work in time? So when your wife is bitter, when your kids are disobedient, when your home is a spiritual wasteland—the first place to look is the mirror. You may not be the one who introduced the chaos, but you are the one God holds accountable for what you did—or didn’t do—in response to it.
So men, this is why you wake up every morning and die. You die to your comfort. You die to your lust. You die to your laziness. And if you’re not bleeding somewhere in your leadership, then you’re not leading like Jesus.
2. Where does that leave the rest of the family? Are they not held responsible for anything?
Federal headship does not eliminate responsibility underneath it. It clarifies the lanes. It assigns weight. And while the man is responsible for what happens under his roof, every member of the household will answer for how they responded to the structure God gave them.
How? If the husband is called to lead, then the wife is called to follow—in faith. If the father is called to shepherd, then the children are called to obey—with joy. As Doug Wilson points out, “Submission is not conditional upon the worthiness of the husband. A woman is not told to submit because her husband has earned it, but because Christ is Lord.”
When a husband sins, God holds him accountable for what he did. When a wife refuses to follow him, God holds her accountable for how she responded. When children rebel, they are judged not by how cool their dad was, but by how obedient they were.
The husband leads like Christ—by dying. The wife follows like the Church—by trusting. The children obey like disciples—by honoring.
So,
- When the man calls for family prayer and Scripture, what should the family do? They should come. Immediately. Gladly. Without rolling their eyes. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” – Ephesians 5:22 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” – Ephesians 6:1 And if the man forgets or delays? The wife should lovingly remind him. Not with nagging or superiority, but with honor. “A woman may encourage her husband toward leadership without taking over his office.” This means saying, “Dear Husband, it’s time to lead us. We’re ready.” This is her duty. She was created to be his help. If the heading of his household is his mission, then she is to be his help to fulfil that mission. If he leads, she follows. This is the marital dance that teaches the children to obey. The children learn obedience by watching their mother submit.
- When the husband sets the tone for the home—spiritually, emotionally, morally—what should the family do? They should harmonize. Not compete with his tone, not undermine it with passive aggression or sullen moods. If the man leads with calm, the family should not bring drama. If he leads with repentance, the family should not harden. If he opens the Word, the family should open their hearts. “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33 “The wise woman builds her house.” – Proverbs 14:1 Wives, your attitude is the color palette that paints your husband’s leadership. Children, your respect gives weight to your father’s words. Proverbs 10:1 ESV The proverbs of Solomon. A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother.
- When the father corrects the children, how should they respond? When he teaches or instructs his wife, how should she respond? With repentance, not resistance. With humility, not hardness. With a heart that is soft, open, and reverent. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:1 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” – Proverbs 29:15 The child who sasses, sulks, or stomps away is not just defying his parents—he is defying God. And the mother who excuses this disobedience or undercuts the father’s correction is not protecting the child—she’s sabotaging the home. “If they desire to learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home.” – 1 Corinthians 14:35 “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” – Proverbs 31:26 A wise wife wants to be pastored at home. She encourages her husband to grow as a teacher, not by competing, but by receiving. This doesn’t mean she’s silent or blind—it means she understands the difference between leading and usurping authority.
NOTE: Let me add a very important note here lest you misunderstand that the wife is a mere wallpaper or a background prop in the home. She is a wise aid and counsel in all these things. She is not without a voice, she is the most important voice. A wise wife measures out her opinions carefully not because she’s not allowed to have one, or because her husband is offended by one, but because her input has the greatest influence in her husband’s life.
Proverbs 31:26 ESV
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Think of it this way. When a king hands administrative responsibility to his most trusted nobleman, he is not abdicating the throne—he is entrusting authority to someone who shares his vision. In the same way, the husband delegates vast authority to his wife, and she exercises it not independently, but representatively. In each area of household life, the husband and wife are not competitors, but co-laborers. One flesh. One purpose. One gospel.
In other words, she’s not just following passively while he does all the work. No, in most aspects of the household, he sets the standards, the goals, and she builds the household according to those standards. In the practical sense, she filters the entertainment, educates the children, nurtures the culture, and glorifies what he initiates. She multiplies whatever he gives.
Proverbs 31:27 ESV
27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
The tone of the home may begin with the father, but it is carried and harmonized by the wife and children. She should support his standard as if it were her own—because in covenant unity, it is. The wife should be the engine of hospitality, not the excuse against it. She doesn’t say, “Not today, the house is a mess.” She says, “Let’s welcome them well. I’ll make the tea.”
The biblical household is not a divided kingdom. It is a team, where the husband leads in sacrifice, and the wife glorifies his leadership with wisdom and strength. Together, they raise children who walk in wisdom—not because their father barked louder, but because their mother made obedience lovely.
Love Does All This
Now, let’s return to Paul’s words:
Colossians 3:14 ESV
14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Everything I’ve said so far—headship, submission, discipline, obedience, hospitality, worship, discipleship—none of it works apart from love. Not romantic sentiment. Not surface-level affection. But agape—covenantal, self-sacrificing, Christ-reflecting love.
Love is what makes a husband lay down his life before his wife has done anything to deserve it. Love is what makes a wife submit joyfully, not because her husband is perfect, but because her Savior is. Love is what makes children obey, not out of fear, but out of delight in the order God has made.
1 Corinthians 13:7-8 ESV
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
All of the submission, the structure, the authority, the obedience—all of it will collapse into manipulation or legalism if love is not the glue. And love is not a feeling—it is a decision to lay down your rights for the good of another. It’s the cross, right there in the living room.
Love is what restrains the husband’s anger. Love is what softens the wife’s correction. Love is what teaches a child to apologize. Love is what keeps a family coming back to the Word together after they’ve failed one another again and again.
The reason Paul puts love above all is because only love can bind everything together in perfect harmony. Authority without love will provoke. Submission without love will fester. Obedience without love will rot.
But when love fuels leadership, it’s joyful. When love undergirds submission, it’s powerful. When love carries obedience, it becomes beautiful.
From the Household of Man to the Household of God
And this, dear church, is where we land.
If the church is the household of God, then we must ask, How can the church be healthy if the households are not? The church is not built on programs, systems, or pulpits alone. It is built on the daily obedience of ordinary households, learning how to function under the rule of Christ.
1 Timothy 3:5 ESV
5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?
This is why elders must be faithful husbands and fathers—because shepherding the church begins by shepherding the family. And this is why deacons must lead their homes with dignity—because service in the church flows from service at the table. If the church is the body of Christ, the home is the training ground – the gym. That’s where we train in patience. That’s where we build the muscles of forgiveness. That’s where we practice kindness, truth-telling, rebuke, joy, prayer, and submission—so that when we gather on the Lord’s Day, we don’t have to fake it.
A faithful church is made of families who:
- Know what love looks like across the dinner table.
- Know what sacrifice feels like when no one sees.
- Know what submission sounds like in the middle of a disagreement.
- Know how to obey when it’s hard, repent when it’s needed, and rejoice when God gives grace.
So if you want to know what kind of church we will be—look at your living room. Are we a church that prays? Then our families must pray. Are we a church that honors elders? Then our children must learn to honor fathers. Are we a church that makes disciples? Then we must start by discipling those seated around our kitchen tables.
If our homes are disordered, our church will be too. But if our homes are bound together in love, grace, and truth—then our church will be a faithful church. A joyful church. A fruitful church. Because love binds it all together.
So let the church be a place where: Husbands bleed in love, Wives build with wisdom, Children obey with joy, And every member, from home to pulpit, knows what it is to put on love—and walk in it daily.
